If you want to apologize less, you’re in the right place. In this article, I will talk about the different ways we apologize and give you a call to action to do it less (which isn’t as scary as it sounds).
What Are the Obvious Ways We Apologize?
Sure, it’s obvious that anytime you use the phrase “I’m sorry,” you’re apologizing.
If you’re an over-apologizer, these might be some of the times when you say “I’m sorry”:
- Before or after offering your opinion
- When someone else is uncomfortable
- When a mistake has been made, even if it isn’t your fault
- When you perceive that you or your stuff are taking up too much space
How many times a day do you think you apologize?
What Are the Subtle Ways We Apologize?
A more subtle problem is having an apologetic stance in the world.
- Overexplaining
- Not taking up space, physical, emotional, or verbal
- Asking for many opinions before deciding
- Making tentative decisions
- Not knowing what your intuition or gut is telling you
- Feeling like you have to justify stances or choices
- A running dialogue in your head about your choices
- Using the word “should” often in your self-talk or planning
- Feeling guilty even if you don’t verbalize it
- Lots of information-gathering before or instead of your own voice/opinion
How many of these describe you? How many more can you add?
Are you a walking apology?
Why Do We Apologize?
- Guilt
- Taking responsibility for a mistake
- Feeling responsible for a mistake (note: that doesn’t mean you are responsible for the mistake)
- Relationship management
Why Does It Matter?
There’s a time and place for all of the above. Sometimes an apology to smooth ruffled feathers is the savvy choice. Sometimes we really have messed up.
But, sometimes, there is a problem and no one is at fault. Or, there is a problem and it is not your fault.
What is the most troubling is that some people apologize because, at their core, they don’t think that their needs count.
What Can You Do About It
1. Big Step
My Call To Action is that you apologize less. If you’re fed up and ready to try it, I am in your corner, cheering you on to do this:
Try One Thing:
APOLOGIZE LESS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS
I added that last part because, if you start apologizing less, you might find that none of the bad things you’ve been dreading (consciously or unconsciously) actually materialize.
And if something bad happens when you apologize less, how bad is it?
“Develop the habit of letting small bad things happen. If you don’t, you’ll never find time for the life-changing big things, whether important tasks or true peak experiences,”
Tim Ferriss
2. Smaller Step
And if that’s not where you are right now, totally fine! Don’t apologize for that. The drive to over-apologize is tied to a big, complex ball of reasons, and it’s a lot to pull apart all at once.
So I’d like you to consider starting small with me. Gather some data. That’s all you have to do. You’re not changing anything. Just observe and take note of what is already happening.
If you don’t think that how often you apologize matters, then I super-encourage you to try this. You might be surprised by your numbers. Or you might find that you’re ok with how often you apologize, but that it is far less frequent than other people. That is something worth paying attention to.
Try One Thing:
COUNT HOW MANY TIMES YOU APOLOGIZE IN A DAY
Thanks for reading this. I am really passionate about this subject. I think what you find about yourself on this journey can unlock and liberate many things.
Not quite ready to just start apologizing less? Stay tuned for Part 2 of the Apologizing Series: Ways to Say No Without Apologizing. Sign up for my newsletter for early access!
