What do you normally do when negative thoughts take over? This article will show you how to interrupt negative thoughts by creating a mantra. With practice, you’ll be able to move on quickly from negative thoughts, instead of being derailed by them.
Step 1: Identify Negative Thoughts
We all have typical negative thoughts that either play on repeat in our minds or derail us out of nowhere. (If you aren’t sure, check out Part II of this Mantra series, where we went over how to identify your negative thoughts.)
To find your own mantra, think of stressful thoughts that come up frequently in your mind. Start to notice them.
Step 2: Identify the Cause
Once you’ve noted your negative thoughts, ask yourself, “what is going on around me or inside me right before those stressful thoughts come up?” You may start to notice predictable patterns, such as “when I think about my kids, ABC stressful thoughts come up,” or “when I talk to my boss, XYZ stressful thoughts come up.” (Refer to Part II if you need a deeper dive.)
Step 3: Reframe Expectations and Reality
Often we have negative thoughts because our expectations do not meet reality.
When we reframe our expectations or our perspective on reality, we can create an automatic reply to our negative thoughts. Instead of giving weight to your thoughts or letting them derail you, you can shut them down.
Reframe Expectations
Unmet expectations are a tremendous source of conflict, pain, and dissatisfaction. Often people will channel so much of their energy into achieving their expectations; when they fail, they blame themselves.
Another option is to adjust (and lower) your expectations. I am a big fan of this one.
I’m going to break this down, using examples from Identify Your Negative Thoughts.
Deep Dive With Parenting Example
Example negative thought: “I’m a bad mom.” Cause: Expectation does not meet reality.
Look out for the “should” below, because “should” is usually a clue-word for unrealistic expectations.
(Unrealistic) Expectation: I see other moms on Instagram who have perfect houses, and they spend every day enriching their children with unique, immersive, learning experiences. I should be able to do this too.
Why is this expectation unrealistic? How many potential reasons can you come up with?
I am not a parent, but I prioritize spending time with children and parents. Here are some ways that I think the above expectation to have an immaculate home and daily enrichment activities with your children is unrealistic:
- Wages have stagnated but office hours have increased. You have to work a lot just to stay afloat.
- In heterosexual marriages, women still perform the bulk of housework, even though men’s contributions have increased over the decades. You have many jobs at home.
- The basic, daily musts for children is already high. Many parents live far away from family, and childcare is prohibitively expensive. You and your coparent are only two people, trying to do the work of a village.
The work to keep your family alive, fed, and sheltered is a huge, daily workload for you and every other parent. If you can do that and spend time with your child, you are doing a great job. It is hard, hard work, and you are doing it.
Adding the expectation that every single day your home and quality time with your children will be TV-show ready is not a realistic expectation of yourself. And it is not kind to yourself to have this level of expectation.
Speaking of Momfluencers…
If you’re still hearing that whisper of should, check out momfluencer Busy Toddler. She is a mom who creates amazing enrichment activities for her children, however: her kids don’t always love it; she is a former kindergarten teacher, so she has received extensive training in child development and how to make activities that support it; she only does these activities when her kids can’t “find their play;” she has a messy home and doesn’t clean during nap time; and she explicitly limits how long she plays with her kids, because play is their job, not her’s (“Play is the work of childhood,” according to psychologist Jean Piaget).
Stop telling yourself what you should be able to do. Be aware of when your “should” is based on comparison to others, especially because whatever you’re comparing yourself to isn’t real. Which is why we need to reframe “reality.”
Reframe Reality
Example negative thought: “My body is gross.” Cause: Expectation does not meet reality.
(What you think is) Reality: The bodies on social media are flawless and mine looks nothing like them.
You need to bring reality to your expectation, not your expectations to reality. The bodies you see on Instagram are highly curated. If you’ve never used a photo-editing app you have no idea how quickly and convincingly influencers are giving themselves new bodies. Check out Dana E Mercer and Karina Irby for daily exposé of deceptive practices influencers use.
With the parenting example above, if you are comparing yourself to an influencer with a large following, know that they are being paid to make content and they are only showing you the wins. They aren’t filming tantrums or panning to the dirty dishes that are just out of shot. No one is paying you to stage your home or create daily summer-camp levels of activity for your child. You’re comparing your off-hours to someone’s job. Stop it!
Step 4: Set Your Mantra
Your mantra is your automatic reply.
You’ve identified your negative thoughts. You’ve realized that your expectations don’t meet reality.
Now it is time to pick something to say back to the negative thoughts. I have some examples below, but I encourage you not to stress about picking the perfect one. What you say back to your negative thoughts isn’t as important as the fact that you are saying something.
The act of replying tells your negative thoughts that they are lying, not helpful, or not welcome.
Sample mantras when your expectations are out of whack:
- I am doing my best
- What they do is not what I do
- I do what I do
- I am a good mom
- This is how I parent
- There is no such thing as a perfect parent
- I am allowed to have bad days
- I am allowed to rest
- You are not a machine
- Your needs matter too
- Who told you that?
- Says who?
- Why?
Sample mantras to reframe your perception of reality:
(You can talk to yourself in the second person by the way. It might even be more effective):
- That is not reality
- I’m seeing curation
- Her body doesn’t actually look like that
- I’m comparing my normal to to his highlights
- Don’t compare your real to their reel
- I don’t have the full picture
- They have a struggle you can’t see
And there’s always my standby, “We’re not doing that right now.”
Now it’s your turn. What would you like to say to your negative thoughts? Pick one of the mantras above, or come up with your own. The key is to have a mantra that is short and that you reply automatically to the negative thought.
As you build this habit, a new mantra might occur to you. If you keep practicing, you will find the mantra that really fits, that fires back as naturally as the negative thought arises. That’s when you’ve found your mantra.
Try One Thing:
PICK ONE MANTRA TO USE EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT TODAY
Related:
Identify Your Negative Thoughts
What mantra spoke to you? What’s a mantra that you’ve come up with? Let me know in the comments below!
